My Chemical Romance

mood: naughty

music: Orgin of Love by Hedwig and the Angry Inch

'Last time I saw you, we had just split in two.
You was looking at me, I was looking at you.
You had a way so familliar, but I could not reconice,
'cause you had blood on your face, I had blood in my eyes.'

I am so verry sorry. But I have forgotten all about my diary.
I will try and bring you new weekly updates again. xD
Of course, it'll proboably end up a WoW-diary... xD

* * *

( Dear_Diary )



'My morals quite warped trough the reapeating chemical change,
I want you so badly it hurts!'

Posted at 03:59 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: depressed

music: Oxidating Angel by Blutengel

'He's a creation made by evil hands, he slept in his grave for a thousand years. But on this night of violent tears, He brought him back to life again.'


I have figure it would be fun to make an entry, and then update on every day of the week. XD
Yeah, not much is happening these days. :P
And I don't need to worry about what I write, as noone I know will ever bother to read this anyway. At least none of great importance. XD
(No offence to whoever read this, but I'm aiming that for one person only; Adrian. :P)


* * *

Monday:

Adrian was online today! I was so very happy. We continiued our little RP, and even RP'ed a bit on WoW. It was as if we'd never even been apart. *Sigh*
I was so happy talking to him again, you can't imagine.
Life isn't half as bad when I can actualy talk to Adrian, and knowing he dosen't dislike me. I get the feeling that I bother him tho'.
I think I might whine too much, or speak the truth too much or... I don't know. He seems like he's somehow dissepointed with me or given up on me, that kind of feeling as if he's sigh-ing everytime he talks to me because I'm such a burden. *Sniffle*
I wish I knew what to do to make things back to the way they were at school. When we could talk and laugh and he actualy made me bealive he wanted me around him. *Wipes my eyes with the blanket*




Thuesday:

I finaly got they keys to my new 'apartment'.
It's more a bedroom than an apartment, but as long as I can get that coking-plate thingy, and I have a fridge, it's okay. (I refuse to use the stupid sharing-kitchen.)

Adrian was too sick to get online today, and so I couldn't talk to him. *Sniffle* My life sucks.
Then again, my life hasn't been good since school ended, a little over a week ago. Jeez. Is it possible it's been only a week and a half? It feel like months.




Wedensday:

12.57
I hope Adrian will be online today. *Sigh* If I can't see him, I wish I could at least talk to him.
I wish I knew where he really stands. He says that he likes me, and still want to hang around me, but at the same time he's pushing me away, not talking to me, not seeing me.... *Dryes my eyes*
He always says for me to have patience, but I do not have any patience. I live for today. Yesterday is but a vauge memory, and tomorrow is so far away...

Well... I could live with waiting if I only had an exsact time to it, but as it's always something in the distant future, I get restless.
And it's so stupid not to trust him. I want to trust him, I should by all logical things trust him, but I just can't bealive it.
If he would just meet me and reasure me once, just ONCE! That's all I'm asking.

Goodness. I'm going compleatly insane with worry these days. I just wish it would kill me faster.
I would rather have lived before seeking out death, but Adrian would never alow me either life nor death.
Life, because he is the only person who could ever make me feel alive, but the consequenses are to great for him to dare. And death, because of the same resons, he says he don't wish to loose me...


Sunday:
Well... I have finaly moved. By a stroke of luck, there's wierless net here. But I'm still gonna get my own net, so I can be sure I have it. XD
Can't trust unknown net's can you now. :P
*Sigh* Adrian won't be online untill thuesday. He never mentioned that to me. I wish so hard that people wold stop ignoring me and actually tell me tings.
But I guess I'm so unremarcable that I dissapear into the background.
*Sigh*
I miss Adrian so bad. I wish I knew what to do. *Sniffle*



~ Lawr





'My morals quite warped trough the reapeating chemical change,
I want you so badly it hurts!'

Posted at 12:22 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: angry

music: Ai tai, imasu ai tai

Life is cruel...
But that's no news I supose. *Sigh*
I wonder why it is that I always end up whining in my LJ, and almost never write when I'm happy? No wait. I write the times I'm happy too... They just is exstreamly rare.
Is it a good sign when you see instantly how everything can be used as a weapon in a way, and all your daydreams is about suicide? *Sweatdrop*
My nicest dream the last few weeks have been a couple in where I die, and then I wake up and is terribly dissepointed. *Sigh* I sound so damn emo.
Heck. I proboably am.
Yeah, I changed from useing a piece of glass to a somwhat rusty knife. XD (Yeah, I was planning on buying a newer than the one I stole, but me and shopping...)

So anyway... I'm finaly moving to the city. Tiny, tiny, well, not exsactly apartment, but it's somwhat cheep and central. XD Hate the neighhboorhood tho. Snobs. Blæh.

I hope Adrian will get his net up soon. I'd like to talk to him before I go compleatly crazy.
Not that I haven't yet gotten somwhat insane. And obviously I found out I have paranoia about certain people leaving me or disliking me. XD
Trust me; bad feeling.
My heart seems to go on and off all the time, and very erratic. And then FEAR. I fucking hate fear! I thought I'd gotten rid of that bad habbit long ago. But I supose it's still working with some people.

*Sigh*

I wish I could do something. Anything.
Especially since that fear is pointless. I think...
Okay, so the point is that a certain someone has to reasure me about certain things. And obviously at lest a couple of times a week.

And it anoys the hell outa me that I am compleatly unable to trust that person. Because I want so badly to trust him. But for once my feelings isn't cooperating. And like a broken switch, I can't turn them off, and they keep exselorating. -_-;

If they keep turning up at this breakneck speed while they're also this futile... Well...
Let's just say it ain't gonna be a pretty sight.
But I think I should consider going to sleep. The suns up, and a new day with carnivals and tiny fun shops and candy is comming up.
I'm gonna sleep trough it!

I hope it rains outside! I hate this contry! Stupid contry-day whatever it's called. Like 4 of july, minus the fierworks. I hope somebody gets killed.
Mainly because I'm in a bad mood. And has been since school ended. And I got a bad feeling that my mood will go ping-pong between anger and depression for quite some time. -_-;

~ Lawr

Posted at 05:59 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: crappy

music: Dressed to Depress by Murderdolls

'How could you know, what I'm thinking of. To me lust can be as beautiful as love...'


*Sight* I'm so happy and also a bit sad.
I'm so very happy about the weekend Adrian spendt one day sleeping over at my place, but I'm also sad that it's over, and I won't get to see him before in two weeks... Or almost as long anyway...

I'm also bored. I'm only waiting for school to start again, so things can go back to 'normal' for as long as that lasts. I'm trying very, very hard not to think of what will happen after school ends. I do not even dare to think the though.

My life when I leave his side will be pretty bad I can imagen, I've gotten so used to have him around me 24 hours a day. (Well, not literarly, but you get the point)
My life is SO going to turn into a living hell, I'm so sure. Well, I guess I'll have to colect all the memories I can get, because I have a bad feeling I'll be forced to live only on them for a loooooooooong time...

If only the situation wasn't so complicated. If feelings wheren't so cruel. If only the Gods had made us into what we're suposed to be... *Sight*

Whatever you do Adrian...If you ever leave this world, take me with you first...


~ Lawr

Posted at 01:04 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: satisfied

music: What Katie Did by The Libertines

Happy, happy me. *Doing my little happy-dance*
Life is so nice right now that you wouldn't bealive it. *Sight*
*Whisteling a happy tune*
I'm not going to think about the future at the moment, I do not even know if I have one, but for now I'm happy and content.
Ah, life is so nice sometimes.
I'm not going to tell you why tho'. Hi...mi..tsu. :P

~ Lawr

Posted at 10:27 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: amused

music: Can't Stand Me Now by The Libertines

Now that was certanly an interesting exsperience...
I had passed irritated, and went into raging anger.
Can't say I've ever been so mad before in my life, then again I never had much feelings at all before in my life. And even tho' I've been depressed from time to time, at least I choose to be. It's nice too feel something from time to time. But at this moment all choises are beeing taken from me, and it just gets me so frustrated at times, you know? So much I do only because I have no choise, well, I don't considering 'beeing dead' or 'offing myself' a choise. And if I have to live without my beloved, that's my only option left... I really wish I was just beeing emo right now. *Sweatdrop*

But now I can't stop thinking about, well, you know... And I got so fucking mad at myself, and the world in general. And I'm not sure if it would be a good or a bad thing if I had met someone who'd bother me while I was mad. Because when I get mad, I tend to destroy things, or at least hurt something/someone very bad.

So I hit my head a couple of times with the thickest book I have, but that didn't work too much, so the I kinda felt like cutting my arm a couple of times... Witch isn't all that smart when I'm mad, but at least it calmed me down. It's just that it's a bit anoying to have to use a wash-cloth for about between half an hour and an hour to stop the stupid blood from dirtying my bed. XD
(Edit: It's now closing in on two hours and it just won't stop compleatly.)

Yeah, I'm weird, but that's no news. I'm also slowly getting even more insane than I was before, witch can't possibly be a good thing.
But as long as there's hope, there's life. And I'm always the optimist ('cept from when I get depressed and see a life in misery laying in front of me.)

~ Lawr







.

Posted at 10:02 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: discontent

music: Wings of a Butterfly by HIM

'This endless mercy mile,
we're crawling side by side,
with Hell freezing over in our eyes,
Gods kneel before our crime.

Come on and show them your love,
rip out the wings of a butterfly.
For your soul, my love,
rip out the wings of a butterfly...'


*Sight* Just one more day to go.
I seem to be in love with misery... *Sight*

~ Lawr




Miss you like hell, itoshii hito.


.

Posted at 04:39 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: gloomy

music: Amour by Rammstein

Just two more days... Just two more days....
Put that shard of glass down!! *Smacks my hand*
Just two more days...

~ Lawr




Miss you like hell, itoshii hito.


.

Posted at 12:47 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: angry

music: Amor by Rammstein

Gah! I'm so fucking mad!!!
I don't seem to have any desires anymore! I don't WANT anything! And I absolutly fucking HATE it!

It's like, I only want one thing, see one thing, think about one thing...
And it compleatly overules all other wants that I could have. I'm used to want tings. I walk into the store and want cola, or chocolate, or chip, or whatever. But now, I walk into the store and can't figure out even a single thing I actualy want!
I don't even want food! I don't even want sleep! I eat only 'cause of pure habbit and the need to have something to do, least I get bored to death!
It's so anoying!

There is only one thing in this entire world I want, and it's something I most likely can't get, but it's the only thing that is on my mind. And it has taken over all and every wish I have ever had. I just don't care about anything else anymore! Well, I got a vauge though deep down of kicking my doc's ass to fix that tiny anoying thing, but otherwhise I'm all empty of wishes and desires.

I H A T E IT!!!!!!

Why can't I just end up dead, hmm?! It would make things so much easyer, I'm sure...
But NOOOOOOOO... Faith just have to torture me some more!

I'm clinging to a hope, however small that destiny will stop make me suffer one day, but it does seem pretty hopeless right now. It does look like destiny that we ever met, and had it been a manga, it would have been. But this is realety, and the Gods just love tormenting me. I just pray that they're tormenting me now to make up for a better faith in the future... It's so very close, so close that I can almost streach out and grab it! But it keeps slipping from my grasp. *Breaks down in tears*

One good thing about crying so much tho'; I can wear my lences for days in a row without them drying up. (Patetic try of looking at the good points, I know...)


~ Lawr




Miss you like hell, itoshii hito.


.

Posted at 06:18 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: awake

music: Melt With You by Modern English

I'm in a sadhappy mood today, sorta melancolic. I miss Aleks ever so much, but I'm living on the memories for now...

I haven't played WoW as much as I thought I would do, but I just don't feel like doing anything. I'm re-reading Nana tho'. And it hits me that if you take the main-characters and turn them into boys, you've sorta got my personaleties.
Nana = Lawrence, Hachi = Neji. Especialy if you're reading book 2.

I wonder if they'll ever get together... I sure dose seems like it's going that way. I just can't wait untill the next manga get's out! I hope they get together, they're so cute together. And it's definetivly faith that they met and ended up living together... Well, if you've read it, you know what I'm talking about. It's brilliant manga, really. I even made a girl who dosen't even LIKE manga love it. XD

I still seem to have an overdose of energy, he's re-loading my batteries just by touching me, I'm so sure. *Sight*

Life at the school is a bit booring at the moment, but at least I got to work on my homepage a bit. I made a new section of 'My favorite perversions' *Laughs evily*
You might wanna check it out sometime, it's becoming pretty cool...
Oh, well...
Ja ne!


~ Lawr




Miss you like hell, itoshii hito Aleks.


.

Posted at 06:59 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: cheerful

music: Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green Day

I woke up in a very good mood again... *sight*
We cuddled up and watched 'The Libertine' and 'Dark City' last night. And we had chips and dip and cola too... And then he decided that he wanted company for the night and alowed me to sleep with him... (NOT in that way you hentai. :P ) *Sight* Even heaven can't be this nice, I'm sure.
But I'm also a bit sad tho', 'cause he's going on a schooltrip to Ireland today, and I won't see him again for a week. *Sniffle*
But he wrote me the cutest letter again last night tho'. I supose I'll have to survive on the memories. *Sight*
My life is so wonderful right now. I wish it could last like this forever, and I'd never ask for anything more... (Well, I could think of a thing or two to wish for... ;-) But beggars can't be picky, ne?)
Still, I wish I could stop time and be lost in his embrace forever... I'm not asking for much, I know I have no rights to ask for anything more. And I'm so very happy for whatever few favors I can resive...



~ Lawr

Posted at 02:53 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: content

music: Cola Queen by The Libertines

*Sight*
I woke up so very happy and content today... And I only slept for like 6 hours, but I still feel compleatly rested.
I guess cuddeling with certain people has that effect on me. XD
Ah, I'm so happy. Not even the teachers nagging me to wash a living-room thingy I never ever use can get in the way of my happy-feeling. Tho' I must admit I got a bit anoyed, but that passed quickly...
*Sight* Happy is a good feeling.
Even the slightly rain-ish weather seems pretty nice....

Lawr

Posted at 10:49 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: cynical

music: Dressed to Depress by Murderdolls

*Sight*
I'm beeing ignored... Or maby I just feel that way.
I'm so very scared lately, like every second of the day. And it's not very comfortable, I'll tell you.
But I'm just so scared that I have lost what little I had before the hollydays. I know it wasn't much, but it was still something, and I was so very happy.
I supose I'm just beeing a total Emo, but I just can't help it. I usualy don't have any feelings at all, so when I actualy feels something, it comes crashing down on me a hundred, maybe thousand times stronger.
*Sight*
'till later...

Lawr

Posted at 11:29 am | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: depressed

music: Cola Queen by The Libertines

Dug myself to a shallow grave and I'm trying to get out of it alive.
Keep telling myself that I must be brave, I keep telling
until my love runs dry.

But I'm not very successful and it saddens me sometimes.
Losers can't be choosers when they want to make it right...







Everything’s okay.
At least that’s what they say.
One foot in the gutter,
The other’s in the grave. Yeah.
Punch the clock I’m your slave,
For the rest of my life 12 hours a day. Yeah.
No future, no way.
I was born to lose and that’s okay.


Dressed to, dressed to depress,
You couldn’t ask for anything less.
Dressed to, dressed to depress,
My whole life’s a fucked up mess!

Posted at 05:31 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

mood: cranky

music: Something sad...

'Do you know the exact definition for Insanity? To keep doing the same thing over and over, and hope for a different result.'

My feelings as of now, put into Deadly Sins... Sorted after inportance...


Love, lust and whatever comes with it...

( Sins )

Posted at 08:08 pm | Link | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend